Question: Why is it that after my wife gets off the phone with her mother that she doesn't want sex?

 

Answer: You may have thought you were having a great day with your spouse. You know, knocking out the honey-do list, taking the kids out for the afternoon, straightening up around the house. You start to think, Hmm … looks pretty good for sex tonight.

Then, wham! An event like her mother calling, a friend in crisis, a sick child or something else happens and suddenly, her mood changes. Now, sex isn't even in the realm of possibility.

 

You see, the gift of your wife is that she can multi-task on so many levels. It's tremendous! If your wife went away for a few days and you actually had to walk in her shoes (cook meals, help your kids with homework, take them to all of their activities, pick up the house), after a few days, you would probably begin to fall apart. Her ability to juggle tasks is God-given. That's the good news.

 

The bad news is that because God has wired her to think and feel globally, this can lessen the chance for sex on any given day. If someone else in her sphere of influence is hurting, or other circumstances arise that demand her attention, she will be moved emotionally and cognitively to action so that she can put her world back in order and relax. But wait! There's more good news. This doesn't necessarily mean a sexless night.

 

If all you can think about is you, then you're out of luck. If, however, you can allow her to cognitively and emotionally process the issues that she's facing, you might draw her closer to you. Now, don't ask her only to describe what is going on-ask her how that makes her feel and don't stop until you've heard about five feeling words (sad, frustrated, etc.).

 

Focus on her feelings. Don't fix her situation, just listen. Empathize. Try to understand how she's feeling at the moment. Hear her heart. This is what it means to “process” with your wife.

 

After you hear her, ask if she would like to pray together. Get her some tea, let her relax, and there is still a shot that sex could happen. But don't get mad if it doesn't; that'll only turn her off and lessen your chances next time.

 

Remember, she's aroused by emotional intimacy in the same way that you're aroused by physical proximity. So next time she gets off the phone with mom, offer to get her some coffee, put the kids to bed and allow her to share her world with you. Life, as well as sex, can get a lot better when you do.

 

Question: Is it OK to masturbate if I only think about my wife? I mean, what's the big deal as long I fantasize about her?

 

Answer: Here's the problem with masturbating to fantasies of your wife. Most men when they masturbate disconnect from their body and go into a fantasy or a lustful state. In this fantasy world, all the people are objects, not human beings with souls. These people (objects) are always willing, they never complain, and you don't have to negotiate for sex, and, you can treat them anyway you want. Does this sound like reality to you?

 

Bottom line: Objectifying your spouse is a really bad idea. When you scan your wife and turn her into a fantasy object, she has no soul, she performs all of your favorite sexual acts (whether in reality she wants to perform them or not). Your brain has created two women who look alike but are as different as night and day. You may end up resenting your real wife when she doesn't measure up to the fantasy version.

 

There is no reason to bring your wife into this fantasy world … or any other person, for that matter. Jesus clearly warns about this in Matthew 5:28: “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (NLT). He wants us to keep our focus in the real world, not in fantasy.

 

If your wife is available, ask her to make love. If she's not available, you won't die. I travel all around the country and throughout the world. I am very healthy and have a strong sex drive, and I haven't masturbated in over 18 years. When you do get to be with your wife, it's worth the wait. So, the short answer to your question is NO WAY!

 

By Doug Weiss, Ph.D., founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The Seven Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven “love agreements” that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, info@drdougweiss.com or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918. Visit his Web site at intimatematters.com.